Dear Theo

2 Oct

Dear Theo,

In exactly two weeks I’m going to get on a plane, fly across the world, and set foot in the country that has been your home for almost 2 years.  Your first home, but not your forever home.  I have wanted you for so long.  I’ve wanted you for longer than I’ve wanted anything else that I can remember.  I wanted you before I wanted to marry your daddy.  I wanted you before I wanted to go to college or play soccer or have a career as a pastor, missionary or teacher.  I even wanted you before I wanted your older sister.  Shhh…don’t tell her I said that. 😉

You were one of the first things that I knew I really wanted.

Someday, when you’re a wide-eyed 8 year old and you tell me about a dream God has put in your heart, I’ll believe you. I won’t doubt it for a second. I’ll hang on every word.  Because that’s how old I was when God put a dream about adopting YOU in my heart.

About a month ago I found out you were really sick.  Too weak to eat, so we made sure you were admitted to the hospital.  There were oceans in between us and I grieved for all that you had already lost and all the times you needed a mommy by your side, but I wasn’t there.  I wondered if I would lose you before I even had a chance to meet you and it kept me awake a night for weeks.  Sitting by your hospital bedside seemed to be the only acceptable and most impossible solution in that situation.

I think about you all the time.  Many thoughts and feelings run through my heart and mind.  One that repeatedly slices through my consciousness is “surrender to love”.  At first, I thought it was meant for you.  It has been my prayer for you — that you would surrender to love.  To our love and to the Great Love that called you before the foundations of the world.  I know it will be hard to accept our love.  You’ll be scared and confused and unable to trust us at first because of all you’ve already lost.  But over time I pray you will lean into us and little by little, surrender to all that Love has to offer you.

“Surrender to love” — that is my prayer for you.  But now I’m realizing that it is meant for me as well.  As I anticipate your homecoming I feel a loss of control.  My life is about to change forever and I have no idea what it is going to look like.  I can already feel normalcy slipping away.  I feel an acute sense of powerlessness.  Yet, with every anxious and panicked thought, God whispers back, “surrender to Love“.  Surrender to all the heights and depths that this path of Love has ahead of us.  Surrender fully.  Press in.  Sink deep.  Get swept away.  Surrender to the overwhelming, take everything you’ve got, in over your head, deeply sacrificial, never give up commitment it takes to LOVE an orphan.  I have the perfect example because this is how God has loved me.

It’s hard to believe that I’ll be meeting you face-to-face in only two weeks.  24 years ago God wove adoption into my heart.  4 years and 7 months ago we sent the first email that started this whole process.  Now one of the most anticipated days of my life is barely over a dozen days away.

I feel excited.
I feel anxious.
I feel scared
I feel giddy.
I feel expectant.
I feel nervous.
I feel overwhelmed.

There’s a millions things I want you to know RIGHT NOW and never forget.  I pray that each day you’re in this family you will understand more and more that…

You are a gift of God
You were given by God
You are desired
You were asked for
You were prayed for
You are highly valued
You are a dream come true
You are full of promise
You are constantly thought about
You are not a mistake
You are not forgotten
You are ached for
You are a treasure
And you’re so stinking cute.

Let’s surrender to Love together.  🙂

Yours forever,


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