Josh and I have experienced some ups and downs in the past few months that I have kept off the blog. I wanted to see how things played out before I shared anything too publicly (a.k.a. on the world wide web). Now that it is water under the bridge and we have made a decision about our next step, I am ready to share.
In a nutshell….(yeah right, I stink at “nutshells”)
Remember way back in Nov/Dec when we decided to leave the adoption agency we were working with a seek out a new one? Well during that transition we explored the option of independent adoption. We started researching and emailing various orphanages in Ug. to establish relationships and see if we could get on any waiting lists. We ended up connecting with an orphanage that had some children available for adoption and began dialoguing with the director about the possibility of adopting from his orphanage.
Around this same time we decided we definitely did not want to navigate these waters without the help of an agency and found a new agency (whom we LOVE very, very much) to work with. We told them we’d already established a relationship with this orphanage and wanted to adopt a certain child from there. Even though they had never worked with this particular orphanage before, they were happy to help us pursue this adoption, if that child was indeed adoptable (at that point we didn’t know a lot of info, just that we had a tentative referral). We all proceeded with caution, knowing things might fall through.
We officially accepted a referral for a 7 month old girl at the end of December. We were extremely excited at the possibility of this little child becoming our daughter, but we knew we needed to guard our hearts. Like I said, our agency had never worked with this orphanage before and we knew very little information about how the process might play out.
This is a long and complicated story. Basically, over the past three months things have not been progressing as smoothly as we or our agency hoped they would. Josh and I knew we needed to REALLY guard our hearts from getting attached to this little girl because at any moment we felt we might lose the referral. It was really fun having my emotions jerked around every day. NOT.
This is just the nature of international adoption and I came in with eyes wide open.
We did not register. We did not announce it on this blog. We did not decorate a nursery. We did not plan any baby showers. We did not buy girly baby stuff. We just prayed and prayed and hoped and hoped that if this was God’s will, we could welcome this child into our family.
On Tuesday morning (April 24th) we got some very sad news. I opened up my gmail account to find an email from the orphanage director saying they are “no longer interested in adopting out their children because it has a negative affect on the children left behind” and that they don’t feel it is “part of their calling”. That was it. Door closed. I know his line of reasoning doesn’t make sense, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it. In Ug., the orphanages have legal guardianship of their children until they are adopted or reunited with family. So ultimately, orphanage directors get to choose which children get matched with which families, or if children gets adopted at all. Legislation is working to pass a law requiring orphanages to have a functioning plan to either adopt out their children or reunite them with birth families, but until that happens, things like this can still take place.
I know that God has protected our hearts from getting too attached to this child, and we were wise to proceed with caution. But there is no way to completely cut off your heart from the flood of love and compassion that threatens to burst through every obstacle between you and the child on the other side of that photograph. Although receiving this news was heart wrenching, I KNOW that God is in control. HE IS MY ROCK. I am grieved that the reason we can’t adopt her is because the orphanage doesn’t want to adopt out their children. I wish the reason was because they located relatives for her or a Ugandan family to take her. That’s what I thought might happen, but I did not expect something like this. It is very heartbreaking for her and the other children in the orphanage.
So there’s a nice depressing blog post for you
Because we were trying to prepare for the worst, we have already decided what our next step will be. It involves saying goodbye to Ug. and hello to another country….. To find out more, check out the next blog (I’m trying to keep these posts relatively short so people will actually continue reading my blog).